In my practice, I often see clients on the verge of either divorce or a nervous breakdown due to a failed marriage/relationship. Without exception, each of them tells me they made a mistake in getting married to their respective partner. I find that one of the absolute biggest mistakes people make when choosing a life partner is not assessing compatibility.
Rather than take adequate time and effort to assess compatibility, many people jump head-first into a relationship based upon items that are not very good indicators of relationship success. Two major reasons couples link up include physical looks & shared interests. “Oh, she likes sports too,” or “We both have an interest in movies/theatre,” are not reasons to link up for a lifetime. While you most certainly want to be physically attracted to your partner, looks are bound to change. And common interests, well…how many of us have all the same interests today as we did in our teenage or early adulthood? Find any couple who has been married 25+ years and see if they tell you that shared interests or physical attraction are what keeps them going in tough times.
Honestly I don’t understand how so many significant issues like “Do you want children?”, ” How important is sex to you?,” and “What religions/traditions do you follow and would you expect me to follow them?,” are not discussed prior to getting married or moving in together. Relationships involve investing time and emotions. There is no sense doing all that if you aren’t compatible with someone.
So, what should couples be focusing upon before commitment? Here is a pretty extensive list of Compatibility Checklist that I believe all couples should discuss before agreeing to be life partners (or even just getting too serious with each other).
Lifestyle—What kind of lifestyle do you want to live? How often do you want to travel? What do you think about living with parents/extended family?
Life Goals—what are some of your most important life goals—both long & short term? How do you plan to reach these goals? Do you prefer a partner who helps you meet these goals or just supports you from the sidelines? Do you want to have similar life goals as your partner?
Children—do you want children? If you want children and one partner cannot have them, would you adopt or use alternative methods? How many children are ideal for you? How soon after marriage would you want children? Will one of you stay home full-time to raise them? What is your outlook on childcare & outsiders raising children?
Individuality and space in a relationship- do you view your partner and you as one entity or as different individuals with their own thought process and point of views, interests, social life, professional growth and habits? Are you able to respect each other’s differences and agree to disagree peacefully on certain issues?
Finances—how well do you manage your money? How do you view saving, investing, and retirement? Do you expect to have a dual-income household? Do you expect to combine finances or keep them separate after marriage? Does either partner have any financial liability/loans/debts and what is expected of the other partner in handling these?
Sex—how important is sex to you? How often do you ideally want to have sex? How important is variety in the bedroom to you? Are there other items related to sex that are important for you to discuss?
Family—how important is family to you? Who will take care of your parents/siblings if they need it? How will your parents influence your life together & child rearing? If your parent steps in and meddles in your relationship, how will you handle it? Are both of you willing to draw boundaries with your respective families when it comes to your relationship?
Religious beliefs—how religious are you? Are religious traditions important to you? If so, which ones? If you are from different religious backgrounds, how will you balance this? What religion will you want your future children to be raised?
Interests—while interests are not dealbreakers, they can help you to better know what is important to your partner. How flexible are both of you to learn about the other’s interests and encourage each other to pursue them?
Disagreements—how do you react when you get mad or angry? How will you handle an argument with your partner? Do you have to settle all disputes before going to bed that night or do you prefer to sleep it over and talk when you have cooled down?
Deal-breakers—what are your deal breakers in a partner? What is it that you will absolutely not tolerate from your partner and is he/she able to handle that?
The reasoning behind discussing this Compatibility Checklist is that although humans certainly change over the years, their basic principles and values stay the same. For example, one’s desire to have children, religious practices, and beliefs on caring for elders are more likely to be stable over the years. If you don’t want kids today, you’ll more than likely never want them and if you absolutely can’t handle not marrying a person of a certain religion today it is highly unlikely you will change that opinion several years from now. Mutual trust and respect are the foundations of a lasting and loving relationship. A marriage takes a lot of effort to build and sustain, one needs to see if both the partners are up for it!